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Presented by State Library Victoria

Writing- a first person's deep thoughts

A short… story? in the form of a diary entry. This person seems like me but that’s open to interpretation. This wasn’t even intentionally made to be a piece of writing so it might be worse in comparison to anything else I have written.

______

Dear Diary,

What is wrong with me?

Why do I get anxious so easily from things people say? Like when they are all “I know” and they say something towards whatever I say. I said in a text message “I died when I found out Lee Know from Stray Kids was a back-up dancer for BTS.” and a friend of mine replied “A lot of other idols have been back-up dancers for one group or another – even BTS members were back-up dancers for other groups and artists.”

I didn’t know and I feel so stupid for not knowing. I feel excluded as if I’m missing out on something but I don’t know what.

Not only that but three of my friends that make up our squad of 4 got matching BTS Jungkook caps with rings in them. Yet again I feel lonely, excluded and just want to be alone. I know I need to woman up though but still… I don’t know… I feel as if I’m going through life in a haze. One where I feel as if I’m sleeping and wake up realising what I missed. I wish I could get help but… I can’t because friends are the people who usually help me when I feel this way and yet they cause the most bullet-holes in my rock hard armour and graze my shields with their shards.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling that everyone is changing around you. Not just in appearances but in the way they act and behave. It makes me anxious as if I’m entering a lions den where everyone is watching me when in reality I know they aren’t. It feels like I have to constantly be someone I’m not. I don’t mean feeling wise being “fake happy” but I mean as in being fake skinny. It’s not even that but it feels like I’m holding my breath all the time whether it’s class or at recess. I guess that’s why I no longer eat recess and lunch at school anymore. I don’t know but I really hate eating. Its a gross feeling and thought that everything I am eating will turn into fat, go in my bloodstream and eventually kill me when I’m older. Whenever I even eat anything I feel like I have committed a sin and punish myself constantly if the scales tip over 57kg.

I am in the punishing stage at the moment I weigh 57.5kg. You can just imagine what my ego is telling me. I see all these skinny girls at school with waists so thin you can put your hands around it and I guess thats my issue, that my body feels wrong. I feel wrong I feel so out of place when looking at my waist, thighs, chin, breasts but I mean in my friendship group as well this sense that I belong here but I don’t really belong. What am I even doing I don’t fit in because nothing I am doing is going right. Its enough to make me cry! So I ask myself is this really the life I wanted when I said I wanted to be a teenager when I was 5. It was so much easier expecting positivity. I think little me would’ve cried seeing what a mess I made of my life and career already. That’s the thing as well, even at school and my extra-curricular activities I just feel this whole sense of unrighteousness as if every step I take I have to tread carefully and even then I’m making all the wrong moves. They say my life is in check, that I’m smart, pretty and talented. How dare they! They don’t even know half of it.

2 comments

bookwithbane

Fake Happy by Paramore was going through my head as I was reading this

29th Jun, 18
sylvs

Paramore is amazing agreed! Decode is a fave of mine as well as Ain't It Fun!

29th Jun, 18